Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever