Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I already tried new things thanks.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?