Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.