Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.