Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
それは草
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
his wife is probably gonna see that
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite