Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Okay
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I don’t know what to do
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.