Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.


🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls


When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.


Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*


My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.


I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth


[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.


Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.


Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few


Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.