Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.