Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
no their not
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
The point of your 20s