Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
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H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’m Sold!
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right