Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice