Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*