Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
brian had himself a morning…
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re