Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.