Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
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I want what they have
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Autocorrect completely socks
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.