sometimes we need to be reminded
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I occasionally drink every single night.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Why is no one talking about this?!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me