Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
You Might Also Like
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.