Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
boat question
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?