sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
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looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.