Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

when you don’t want to be too vague

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them