Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video