Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

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YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you


If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.


Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.


Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.


I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes