Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me irl
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip