Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”