sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
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I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.