Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
#Caturday
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice