Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of