Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Never be a pizza!
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
A Short Story.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?