Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs