Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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Every BBC series about the universe.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
What number SPF blocks people?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
This kid is going places
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.