Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Hmm, not sure about this change
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓