Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.