Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute鈥攕ay it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There鈥檚 no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Her: oh my god i鈥檓 so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 馃槶
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Will Smith isn鈥檛 special. I鈥檓 not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.