@loribuckmajor

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

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@sarcasticmommy4

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

@bewgtweets

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

@dsmitty_62

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

@scot4bz

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

@GrantTanaka

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

@DanMentos

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

@xosm

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

@BruceForce

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

@badbanana

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.