Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

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*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert


*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*


Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg


I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.


this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one


Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately


I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.


Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31


I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.