*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.