@sarcasticmommy4 *walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
@loribuckmajor Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
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@sarcasticmommy4 
@bewgtweets *Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
@dsmitty_62 Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
@scot4bz I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
@GrantTanaka this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
@DanMentos Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
@xosm I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
@Mysteresa1 He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
@BruceForce Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
@badbanana I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.