Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]