@Social_Mime I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
@thatchaddaniels Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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@Social_Mime 
@ArfMeasures Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
@SuburbanComa My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
@Brampersandon_ [Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
@trumpetcake Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
@ThatEricAlper 
@bananagrvyrd Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
@jadedcreative What do you hear?
@zachreinert0 Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
@sofarrsogud A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.