I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Ok hear me out.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
What do you hear?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.