@thatchaddaniels

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

@envydatropic

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

@JesKeepSwimming

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

@lynnbixenspan

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

@Social_Mime

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

@JasonNotEvil

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

@JustDontBugMe2

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

@neiltyson

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

@DrunjAF

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

@Marlebean

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious