Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

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Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.


*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm


Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”


Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?


Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.


Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket


Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.


Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.


Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*



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Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious