@JennyJohnsonHi5 Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
@thatchaddaniels Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5 
@envydatropic *Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
@JesKeepSwimming Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
@lynnbixenspan Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
@Social_Mime Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
@JasonNotEvil Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
@JustDontBugMe2 Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
@neiltyson Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
@DrunjAF Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
@Marlebean Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious