Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
ok this is my dumbest yet
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.