Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
this country is so goddamn polarized
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.