Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
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WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
haha same
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.