Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
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*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Who says great literature is dead?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’