Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I’m aging like a fine banana
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
live long and prosper!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE