@noog

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

You Might Also Like

@_itspat_

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

@shaun__gunner

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

@Greg_1_Leg

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

@Gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

@StanHels1ng

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

@

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

@frigginfrench

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

@itsmebeegee07

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

@girl_a_whirl

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️