Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.


People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.


I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.


Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”


you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.


two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???


Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.


The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️