Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.