Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
You Might Also Like
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens