@simoncholland Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
@brianbowman73 Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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@simoncholland 
@68Cly29 Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
@kevinthedad When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
@jimmytorosian What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
@2tonbug “Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
@hythemafia My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
@JasonLastname Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
@NurseMurderer Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
@TitansHomer My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
@polychromatik I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are