Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are