Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.