Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
You Might Also Like
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor