Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
subtitles are so good nowadays
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game