Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”