sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?