Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.