#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“How’s your day going?”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves