somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.