somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I enjoy a good short stor
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…