Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!