Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again