Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Bringing home a sharpie
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
🤭😂