Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
nobody’s gonna understand
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?