Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Not today. 😅
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.