Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Why am I like this?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.